Chasing Ducks

Today was one of those classic early May days: Started off lovely, albeit chilly, and turned into a messy, windy afternoon with sporadic rainshowers. I suppose the positive thing is that we are finally getting a bit of rain--Smokey the Bear is having heart palpitations when anyone goes for a drive in his woods right about now.

In any case, the wind was rather ferocious during my drive home from work. As I headed into town, I thought: Hmmm. Wonder if the ducks' yard is doing okay.... And turning the corner, I found my answer. The wind had, in fact, moved the side of the yard and the ducks had gotten out. Not that they went far, mind you. They had moved about six feet to the left and set up camp in the lee side of a straw bale, where they were peacefully enjoying the gentle spritzing of a rain shower. Once I pulled up, the peeping and quacking resumed, and six little webbed feet hit the dirt at a dead run.

Actually, I made an important discovery: Ducks do not run all that fast. In fact, they waddle rapidly for a little while, but then get out of breath and slow waaaay down. A half dozen laps around the new purple shed, and they were tired of this new fun game. I was as well. They decided to make a break for it running through the orchard, but miscalculated badly. Their new route of escape led them straight into the chicken coop, where they were swiftly caught (mostly because they can't waddle their way through plywood walls).

It was at this point I made another important discovery: Picking up three large ducks at once is not an easy manuever, but it is possible. Simply scoop up two of the birds under one arm, dodging windmilling webbed feet all the while, and grab the third under the other arm. Walk very quickly to the duck yard, as the bird to the inside of the first arm will begin gasping for air because he is getting squeezed between your arm and his pudgy ducky friend. Be very thankful it isn't a long walk to the duck yard, because those webbed feet have very sharp nails on them and three ducks happen to be fairly heavy. Gently drop all birds into duck yard, close the gate, and repound the stake holding the side in place. Go indoors and find a beer. After recovering and washing off stray poop, hop on the computer and research how to butcher a duck.

It's the only way to really duck-proof a yard, folks.